You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
