my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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