The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
