I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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