: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
The air taste purple.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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