I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
