Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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