No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
