His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You pole danced in your parka.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Everyone says I win the strip club
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
