she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Every concussion has its silver lining
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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