I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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