I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
