i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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