Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Randomize
