well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
