Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Randomize
