Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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