I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
