Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
