i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
