My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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