dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
