Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
