so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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