I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
