please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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