her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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