Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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