WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
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I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
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I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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