I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
