I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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