He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
