so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
