A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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