I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
