Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
