Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Found the puke drawer
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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