Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
