Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
