youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
