Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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