it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
