Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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