You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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