I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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