oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
