Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
