Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
