like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
