someone get that fucking seahorse.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
