yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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