I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
